Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
