So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
