if you like me you must not know who I am
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
