It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
