Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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