Small penises have feelings too.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
