I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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