It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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