Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
