god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
