I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
