does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
