I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
