If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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