I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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