theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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