Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
