I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
