Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
