I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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