I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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