I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
