I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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