just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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