Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
