My underwear smells like fireworks.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
