I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize