I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
