He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
