I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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