Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Someone signed my nipple.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
