I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
BRING THE BAGELS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
