just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
