My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
