just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
