the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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