i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
