someone threw a dead crab at me
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
