Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
