this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
