I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
