i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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