you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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