it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
