you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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