if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
