his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
