I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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