mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
