We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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