mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
