So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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