I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
