He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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