how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
