why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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