I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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