Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Drunk is not a location!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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